A little Mirror Therapy

This weekend was a real eye opener for me. Sadly enough I came to a realization that my weight gain is causing my depression to flair up again. I've looked in the mirror everyday for the past 8 months and been completely disgusted with myself. I've avoided mirrors if at all possible. My prof, Lee, told me I need mirror therapy. HA! Sadly enough, he may be right. I've found more and more that I don't want to see old friends and I just couldn't figure out why. I couldn't figure out why I was being so anti-social until this weekend. It finally hit me all at once. Well, I've gained about 5-10 lbs since I have seen them last and I don't want them to talk about it. I don't want them to know. I don't want Chad to know. So I've been hiding. I realized Saturday morning when I was supposed to go out to Broad Ripple with Greg's girlfriends that I don't feel pretty and I don't want to be around a lot of skinny, pretty girls at the bars. I hated myself. I hated the way I looked and I didn't want Greg to find someone else that's skinnier and prettier than I am...(my self confidence at an all-time low).

I don't really remember what Greg and I got into it about before we left to get my car, but the ride to the body shop was never ending. The silence cut into me like a knife. Finally when he parked he asked if he was going to see me later and I said no. I wanted him to go out with his friends. I don't want to take anymore time away from them. I was also feeling guilty for buying clothes the night before. He made me feel guilty about buying them because I'm supposed to be saving money for a car. So I sat there wondering, why, if I know I'm supposed to be saving money, do I spend it on things I don't need? I didn't need them, but I felt better about myself in them, so I bought them! Finally as we sat there and argued, it came out. "Greg, I feel ugly. I hate myself. My depression is hitting me really hard this week. I buy clothes because I feel horrible about myself. I do everything I can to hide my body. I do everything I can to mask my unhappiness. I always have. And I'm doing it again." As I wiped my tear soaked cheeks, he turned my face toward his and looked into my eyes and told me that I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen and that if I was uncomfortable with the way I looked, he thought it was crazy talk but, nevertheless, he would sacrifice time with friends to spend time with me. He was more worried about me being happy with who I am than his friends nagging about him not spending time with them.

It's times like that when I feel like I'm high maintenance, but it's also times like that where I know I'm with the man I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with. As I've always said, looks come and go, personalities are for life. He reminded me of that Saturday. I'm glad that we have so much fun together, and then when it comes down to it....looks really don't matter in our relationship. He's my best friend. I want to be what he thinks I am...the most beautiful girl he has ever seen, but at what point can I just be happy with who I am and what I look like? I guess I'll find out soon enough. A set exercise every week, keeping my eating habits accountable with Sheri, and a little mirror therapy. I guess everyone needs a little mirror therapy sometimes!