Thursday, December 11, 2008
Worries
Lately I've found myself extremely anxious. I lay in bed and my mind is still going 200 mph. I worry. I worry a lot. I get it from my grandma Elly. Thanks grandma. haha I worry about money when it comes to building my own home here in the near future and planning a wedding. Can I do both and still make it? I worry about my health. I worry about the results I'll be getting back on Monday. I worry about Greg and his job. I worry that I won't be able to lose enough weight for my wedding. I worry that the more Greg is with me the less he will love me and maybe get tired of putting up with me (silly, I know). So as I sit here and worry, I listened to a message from Pastor Greg Laurie on his Podcast. To worry is to lose faith in God. Sometimes I forget that I don't have to walk this scary lonesome road on my own. So as I sit here and worry, I don't need to worry, I need to have faith. Hopefully I'll rest easier tonight.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
A Time to Vent
Okay, I need to vent. I've had enough of today. Nothing is going my way, I'm breaking things, making messes, keep getting interrupted...UGH! I have too much on my mind today.
After my mishap last night, it got me thinking about the test results. After the surgery that was the one thing I feared most. What would the test results say. The doctor told me that there was one that was definitely abnormal but it didn't look malignant to her. Good news I guess. But I still have to worry about what type I have and how far along it had progressed. Will I have to have another surgery? Good lord I hope not. Everytime I think about it, I get a knot in my stomach, my face gets flushed and panic suffocates me. I'm 22 and having to stress about cervical cancer. Not only cervical cancer but also watching for melanoma and endometriosis. Seriously?! Sometimes I just want to crawl in bed and not come out for days on end. I guess I know how I got diagnosed with depression the first time. Through all of this I've learned that even though it seems that everything can go wrong, it's all for a reason. God will work it out through his own plan and I just have to trust him. It sucks. I hate not being in control. I guess that's the point of faith, right?
After my mishap last night, it got me thinking about the test results. After the surgery that was the one thing I feared most. What would the test results say. The doctor told me that there was one that was definitely abnormal but it didn't look malignant to her. Good news I guess. But I still have to worry about what type I have and how far along it had progressed. Will I have to have another surgery? Good lord I hope not. Everytime I think about it, I get a knot in my stomach, my face gets flushed and panic suffocates me. I'm 22 and having to stress about cervical cancer. Not only cervical cancer but also watching for melanoma and endometriosis. Seriously?! Sometimes I just want to crawl in bed and not come out for days on end. I guess I know how I got diagnosed with depression the first time. Through all of this I've learned that even though it seems that everything can go wrong, it's all for a reason. God will work it out through his own plan and I just have to trust him. It sucks. I hate not being in control. I guess that's the point of faith, right?
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
It's Been Awhile
It's been awhile since I've posted, and I guess you could say I have a lot to catch up on. Today, as I sat at my desk at work and listened to multiple messages preached by Pastor Greg Laurie (one of my most favorite people in the world!) I began to realize that I've turned my back on everything I believed in. Every morning, growing up, I would brush my teeth day and night and read the "Footprints" poem on our bathroom wall. I admired it for at least 3 minutes a day, everyday, for 18 years of my life. (Okay maybe not 18, I couldn't read it until I was at least 7 or 8) Maybe I didn't turn my back on God because I was constantly reminded during my 1 minute and 30 second ritual that he would carry me through the bad times. But lately I've found myself astray. Things keep happening to me and I keep asking myself "why?!" when I should have been asking God.
It all hit me like a ton of bricks as I was sitting here listening. My life is falling apart. But why? Because I've wandered astray. I don't listen. I've become too busy to try to listen. But most importantly, I'm too scared to listen. Between Greg's uncle's passing, possible endometriosis, and now pre-cancerous cells found on my cervix, I found myself running away from my problems. Why run away? I'm going to have to face them sooner or later. I've avoided working out because that's my time to clear my head and think. I didn't want to think. It was during these times that I needed to be carried, but me, being stubborn ole me, I refused. I thought I could do it on my own. Well, today I was reawakened. I'm so naive to think that I'm strong enough to handle this on my own.
So as Thanksgiving rolls around in less than 24 hours, I've realized the things that I should be thankful for. Thankful that God loves me no matter what and will always be looking for the wandering sheep. I personally think he needs to smack me around sometimes, but for some reason he doesn't haha. I'm thankful for my family and all of their support. For Greg, that tries to be sympathetic even though he has no idea what I'm going through. He does everything he can to try to provide for me and comfort me. He has truly been a gift. And for friends, that even though some of them may have no idea that the meaningless chit chat could mean so much...it does. It's kept me sane for the past month. It's kept the tears from flowing, the panic from overwhelming me, and the pain from devastating my life. Although I cannot rely on friends and family alone, I'm so thankful that they're there with me no matter what. So, thank you! I've truly been blessed this year.
Happy Thanksgiving!
It all hit me like a ton of bricks as I was sitting here listening. My life is falling apart. But why? Because I've wandered astray. I don't listen. I've become too busy to try to listen. But most importantly, I'm too scared to listen. Between Greg's uncle's passing, possible endometriosis, and now pre-cancerous cells found on my cervix, I found myself running away from my problems. Why run away? I'm going to have to face them sooner or later. I've avoided working out because that's my time to clear my head and think. I didn't want to think. It was during these times that I needed to be carried, but me, being stubborn ole me, I refused. I thought I could do it on my own. Well, today I was reawakened. I'm so naive to think that I'm strong enough to handle this on my own.
So as Thanksgiving rolls around in less than 24 hours, I've realized the things that I should be thankful for. Thankful that God loves me no matter what and will always be looking for the wandering sheep. I personally think he needs to smack me around sometimes, but for some reason he doesn't haha. I'm thankful for my family and all of their support. For Greg, that tries to be sympathetic even though he has no idea what I'm going through. He does everything he can to try to provide for me and comfort me. He has truly been a gift. And for friends, that even though some of them may have no idea that the meaningless chit chat could mean so much...it does. It's kept me sane for the past month. It's kept the tears from flowing, the panic from overwhelming me, and the pain from devastating my life. Although I cannot rely on friends and family alone, I'm so thankful that they're there with me no matter what. So, thank you! I've truly been blessed this year.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
The Past is the Past
Lately I've found myself not being able to sleep well. I'm having very odd dreams. I realized last night that it was this time last year that Greg and I met. It was the most confusing part of my life. Having a boyfriend but having this odd connection to a complete stranger. How could someone that doesn't even know me be nicer to me than my own boyfriend!?
Well, we all know how that turned out! But here's the kicker. Lately I've been thinking about Chad. I don't know why. He meant so much to me, and honestly he still does. I hate to say it, but it's true. I do, in fact, still love him. He was my best friend. But the feelings were not shared. I'm not sure why all of these thoughts are coming to my attention now and not a year ago, but I truly miss him and some of the times we shared together. That's when I need to say, what's in the past is in the past. I just don't understand how I can have the best guy in the world and be thinking about someone that made my life completely miserable. So I think I need to see a therapist. Ever since Chad and I dated, I have hated myself and have had absolutely no self-esteem. He made me feel like an ugly, worthless person about 75% of the time. How can you miss someone like that!? Why is it that even through all of the bad times that you have with someone, after they're gone, you only remember the good. Why can't you just remember the good times with someone and not the bad? Why are we built that way? I just don't understand. I am still incredibly thankful that I found Greg because this has been the happiest year of my life. But sometimes I think about Chad. I would be married right now. I often wonder if I could have been happy. Now that I know what it really means to be truly happy, could I ever think of going back? Not a chance. The past is the past, and that's all there is to it. I just have to keep moving on with my life and never look back.
Well, we all know how that turned out! But here's the kicker. Lately I've been thinking about Chad. I don't know why. He meant so much to me, and honestly he still does. I hate to say it, but it's true. I do, in fact, still love him. He was my best friend. But the feelings were not shared. I'm not sure why all of these thoughts are coming to my attention now and not a year ago, but I truly miss him and some of the times we shared together. That's when I need to say, what's in the past is in the past. I just don't understand how I can have the best guy in the world and be thinking about someone that made my life completely miserable. So I think I need to see a therapist. Ever since Chad and I dated, I have hated myself and have had absolutely no self-esteem. He made me feel like an ugly, worthless person about 75% of the time. How can you miss someone like that!? Why is it that even through all of the bad times that you have with someone, after they're gone, you only remember the good. Why can't you just remember the good times with someone and not the bad? Why are we built that way? I just don't understand. I am still incredibly thankful that I found Greg because this has been the happiest year of my life. But sometimes I think about Chad. I would be married right now. I often wonder if I could have been happy. Now that I know what it really means to be truly happy, could I ever think of going back? Not a chance. The past is the past, and that's all there is to it. I just have to keep moving on with my life and never look back.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Kicking off October with Oktoberfest
Well, Greg and I made the trip down to Seymour this weekend for Oktoberfest. We stayed with our friend Drew's family with Drew and his girlfriend Kari. I haven't laughed that much in a long time. It was so nice to see good friends that we haven't seen in a long time. I love Drew and Kari! They're amazing. And Drew's family is so incredible. I loved them! If I could be adopted into a family, I would want it to be theirs. Not a dull moment around that house haha!
Well the highlights of the weekend were: another eat-a-thon (this time being a German eat-a-thon), great beer, Drew getting a medal for 2nd place in his age group for the 5K walk (we're so proud haha!!), Seth closing one eye everytime he was talking to you, getting 1st place in the parade by dancing to the Cupid Shuffle (that's right. i did the Cupid Shuffle in front of the whole town of Seymour. Doesn't get much classier than that!), and the Colts pulling out a win. WOW! What a weekend!
However there is one part of the weekend where I felt compelled to document and I'd like to share it now. haha. 4am Saturday morning as Greg and I are going to sleep we were talking and this is how the conversation went:
Greg: are you saying that i'm drunk?
me: um, yes. yes i am.
Greg: no! i'm not wasted, i would just drive a miniature car.
me: what does that even mean!?!
Greg: um.........? (silence) if i had no ride home, i could drive a bumper car. *giggling*
me: *rolling my eyes and rolling over* good night, greg.
Seriously? WOW. He cracks me up sometimes. I now understand why my sister doesn't laugh when the girls act up. It encourages them even more!
Well the highlights of the weekend were: another eat-a-thon (this time being a German eat-a-thon), great beer, Drew getting a medal for 2nd place in his age group for the 5K walk (we're so proud haha!!), Seth closing one eye everytime he was talking to you, getting 1st place in the parade by dancing to the Cupid Shuffle (that's right. i did the Cupid Shuffle in front of the whole town of Seymour. Doesn't get much classier than that!), and the Colts pulling out a win. WOW! What a weekend!
However there is one part of the weekend where I felt compelled to document and I'd like to share it now. haha. 4am Saturday morning as Greg and I are going to sleep we were talking and this is how the conversation went:
Greg: are you saying that i'm drunk?
me: um, yes. yes i am.
Greg: no! i'm not wasted, i would just drive a miniature car.
me: what does that even mean!?!
Greg: um.........? (silence) if i had no ride home, i could drive a bumper car. *giggling*
me: *rolling my eyes and rolling over* good night, greg.
Seriously? WOW. He cracks me up sometimes. I now understand why my sister doesn't laugh when the girls act up. It encourages them even more!
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