Worries

Lately I've found myself extremely anxious. I lay in bed and my mind is still going 200 mph. I worry. I worry a lot. I get it from my grandma Elly. Thanks grandma. haha I worry about money when it comes to building my own home here in the near future and planning a wedding. Can I do both and still make it? I worry about my health. I worry about the results I'll be getting back on Monday. I worry about Greg and his job. I worry that I won't be able to lose enough weight for my wedding. I worry that the more Greg is with me the less he will love me and maybe get tired of putting up with me (silly, I know). So as I sit here and worry, I listened to a message from Pastor Greg Laurie on his Podcast. To worry is to lose faith in God. Sometimes I forget that I don't have to walk this scary lonesome road on my own. So as I sit here and worry, I don't need to worry, I need to have faith. Hopefully I'll rest easier tonight.

A Time to Vent

Okay, I need to vent. I've had enough of today. Nothing is going my way, I'm breaking things, making messes, keep getting interrupted...UGH! I have too much on my mind today.

After my mishap last night, it got me thinking about the test results. After the surgery that was the one thing I feared most. What would the test results say. The doctor told me that there was one that was definitely abnormal but it didn't look malignant to her. Good news I guess. But I still have to worry about what type I have and how far along it had progressed. Will I have to have another surgery? Good lord I hope not. Everytime I think about it, I get a knot in my stomach, my face gets flushed and panic suffocates me. I'm 22 and having to stress about cervical cancer. Not only cervical cancer but also watching for melanoma and endometriosis. Seriously?! Sometimes I just want to crawl in bed and not come out for days on end. I guess I know how I got diagnosed with depression the first time. Through all of this I've learned that even though it seems that everything can go wrong, it's all for a reason. God will work it out through his own plan and I just have to trust him. It sucks. I hate not being in control. I guess that's the point of faith, right?

It's Been Awhile

It's been awhile since I've posted, and I guess you could say I have a lot to catch up on. Today, as I sat at my desk at work and listened to multiple messages preached by Pastor Greg Laurie (one of my most favorite people in the world!) I began to realize that I've turned my back on everything I believed in. Every morning, growing up, I would brush my teeth day and night and read the "Footprints" poem on our bathroom wall. I admired it for at least 3 minutes a day, everyday, for 18 years of my life. (Okay maybe not 18, I couldn't read it until I was at least 7 or 8) Maybe I didn't turn my back on God because I was constantly reminded during my 1 minute and 30 second ritual that he would carry me through the bad times. But lately I've found myself astray. Things keep happening to me and I keep asking myself "why?!" when I should have been asking God.

It all hit me like a ton of bricks as I was sitting here listening. My life is falling apart. But why? Because I've wandered astray. I don't listen. I've become too busy to try to listen. But most importantly, I'm too scared to listen. Between Greg's uncle's passing, possible endometriosis, and now pre-cancerous cells found on my cervix, I found myself running away from my problems. Why run away? I'm going to have to face them sooner or later. I've avoided working out because that's my time to clear my head and think. I didn't want to think. It was during these times that I needed to be carried, but me, being stubborn ole me, I refused. I thought I could do it on my own. Well, today I was reawakened. I'm so naive to think that I'm strong enough to handle this on my own.

So as Thanksgiving rolls around in less than 24 hours, I've realized the things that I should be thankful for. Thankful that God loves me no matter what and will always be looking for the wandering sheep. I personally think he needs to smack me around sometimes, but for some reason he doesn't haha. I'm thankful for my family and all of their support. For Greg, that tries to be sympathetic even though he has no idea what I'm going through. He does everything he can to try to provide for me and comfort me. He has truly been a gift. And for friends, that even though some of them may have no idea that the meaningless chit chat could mean so much...it does. It's kept me sane for the past month. It's kept the tears from flowing, the panic from overwhelming me, and the pain from devastating my life. Although I cannot rely on friends and family alone, I'm so thankful that they're there with me no matter what. So, thank you! I've truly been blessed this year.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Past is the Past

Lately I've found myself not being able to sleep well. I'm having very odd dreams. I realized last night that it was this time last year that Greg and I met. It was the most confusing part of my life. Having a boyfriend but having this odd connection to a complete stranger. How could someone that doesn't even know me be nicer to me than my own boyfriend!?

Well, we all know how that turned out! But here's the kicker. Lately I've been thinking about Chad. I don't know why. He meant so much to me, and honestly he still does. I hate to say it, but it's true. I do, in fact, still love him. He was my best friend. But the feelings were not shared. I'm not sure why all of these thoughts are coming to my attention now and not a year ago, but I truly miss him and some of the times we shared together. That's when I need to say, what's in the past is in the past. I just don't understand how I can have the best guy in the world and be thinking about someone that made my life completely miserable. So I think I need to see a therapist. Ever since Chad and I dated, I have hated myself and have had absolutely no self-esteem. He made me feel like an ugly, worthless person about 75% of the time. How can you miss someone like that!? Why is it that even through all of the bad times that you have with someone, after they're gone, you only remember the good. Why can't you just remember the good times with someone and not the bad? Why are we built that way? I just don't understand. I am still incredibly thankful that I found Greg because this has been the happiest year of my life. But sometimes I think about Chad. I would be married right now. I often wonder if I could have been happy. Now that I know what it really means to be truly happy, could I ever think of going back? Not a chance. The past is the past, and that's all there is to it. I just have to keep moving on with my life and never look back.

Kicking off October with Oktoberfest

Well, Greg and I made the trip down to Seymour this weekend for Oktoberfest. We stayed with our friend Drew's family with Drew and his girlfriend Kari. I haven't laughed that much in a long time. It was so nice to see good friends that we haven't seen in a long time. I love Drew and Kari! They're amazing. And Drew's family is so incredible. I loved them! If I could be adopted into a family, I would want it to be theirs. Not a dull moment around that house haha!

Well the highlights of the weekend were: another eat-a-thon (this time being a German eat-a-thon), great beer, Drew getting a medal for 2nd place in his age group for the 5K walk (we're so proud haha!!), Seth closing one eye everytime he was talking to you, getting 1st place in the parade by dancing to the Cupid Shuffle (that's right. i did the Cupid Shuffle in front of the whole town of Seymour. Doesn't get much classier than that!), and the Colts pulling out a win. WOW! What a weekend!

However there is one part of the weekend where I felt compelled to document and I'd like to share it now. haha. 4am Saturday morning as Greg and I are going to sleep we were talking and this is how the conversation went:

Greg: are you saying that i'm drunk?
me: um, yes. yes i am.
Greg: no! i'm not wasted, i would just drive a miniature car.
me: what does that even mean!?!
Greg: um.........? (silence) if i had no ride home, i could drive a bumper car. *giggling*
me: *rolling my eyes and rolling over* good night, greg.

Seriously? WOW. He cracks me up sometimes. I now understand why my sister doesn't laugh when the girls act up. It encourages them even more!

Family Circus

I still remember the first time I brought Greg home to meet the family. Welcome to the Norris family Zoo/Circus. haha! He was broken in within a matter of moments. Between the 3 dogs, my overly pleasing mother, easily irritated father, very understanding sister, extremely goofy/corny brother-in-law and 2 nieces that thought he was a jungle gym....welcome home, Greg! haha Surprisingly, he absolutely loved the craziness of my family. Because we're family. The one thing I'll always remember him saying about the trip was that it was that night that he knew I was the woman he was going to marry. He told me that you can never really understand a person until you meet their family, see their roots, and quirks. I had never thought of it like that before. He said it was so funny to see where my personality came from and to see why I became the way I am. I knew he was quiet...I thought he was overwhelmed!! But in reality, he was taking it all in and putting every piece of the puzzle together. He said that he's never felt so at home in a strangers house. But that's my family for you. There aren't strangerse in the Norris house! haha And after that trip, it was a done deal. He loved me and my family. After that trip he looked at me like a new person. I never would have guessed that after introducing him into the mass chaos of the Norris family circus that he would fall more in love with me. I half expected him to pack up and run!

It's stories like that that I love to talk to him about. When we're with new friends that don't know our story, I always like to listen to him tell it. Because with each new explaination comes a new story about how he came to realize that I was the love of his life. And with each story, I realize how extremely lucky I am. What a 180 from one boyfriend to the next. Wow! From very reserved and non-emotional to someone who constantly reassures me and outwardly expresses his love. It's exactly what I needed. Sometimes I worry that we're too mushy but then...there are times like exposing him to the family and moments like last night where we can make fun of each other for hours and just laugh that make me think...eh...maybe we're not so mushy. :) We're just happy and completely enjoying life together. The good, the bad, the chaotic AND the ugly. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?

A little Mirror Therapy

This weekend was a real eye opener for me. Sadly enough I came to a realization that my weight gain is causing my depression to flair up again. I've looked in the mirror everyday for the past 8 months and been completely disgusted with myself. I've avoided mirrors if at all possible. My prof, Lee, told me I need mirror therapy. HA! Sadly enough, he may be right. I've found more and more that I don't want to see old friends and I just couldn't figure out why. I couldn't figure out why I was being so anti-social until this weekend. It finally hit me all at once. Well, I've gained about 5-10 lbs since I have seen them last and I don't want them to talk about it. I don't want them to know. I don't want Chad to know. So I've been hiding. I realized Saturday morning when I was supposed to go out to Broad Ripple with Greg's girlfriends that I don't feel pretty and I don't want to be around a lot of skinny, pretty girls at the bars. I hated myself. I hated the way I looked and I didn't want Greg to find someone else that's skinnier and prettier than I am...(my self confidence at an all-time low).

I don't really remember what Greg and I got into it about before we left to get my car, but the ride to the body shop was never ending. The silence cut into me like a knife. Finally when he parked he asked if he was going to see me later and I said no. I wanted him to go out with his friends. I don't want to take anymore time away from them. I was also feeling guilty for buying clothes the night before. He made me feel guilty about buying them because I'm supposed to be saving money for a car. So I sat there wondering, why, if I know I'm supposed to be saving money, do I spend it on things I don't need? I didn't need them, but I felt better about myself in them, so I bought them! Finally as we sat there and argued, it came out. "Greg, I feel ugly. I hate myself. My depression is hitting me really hard this week. I buy clothes because I feel horrible about myself. I do everything I can to hide my body. I do everything I can to mask my unhappiness. I always have. And I'm doing it again." As I wiped my tear soaked cheeks, he turned my face toward his and looked into my eyes and told me that I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen and that if I was uncomfortable with the way I looked, he thought it was crazy talk but, nevertheless, he would sacrifice time with friends to spend time with me. He was more worried about me being happy with who I am than his friends nagging about him not spending time with them.

It's times like that when I feel like I'm high maintenance, but it's also times like that where I know I'm with the man I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with. As I've always said, looks come and go, personalities are for life. He reminded me of that Saturday. I'm glad that we have so much fun together, and then when it comes down to it....looks really don't matter in our relationship. He's my best friend. I want to be what he thinks I am...the most beautiful girl he has ever seen, but at what point can I just be happy with who I am and what I look like? I guess I'll find out soon enough. A set exercise every week, keeping my eating habits accountable with Sheri, and a little mirror therapy. I guess everyone needs a little mirror therapy sometimes!

What a Labor Day weekend....

Thought I would upload my pics from the Labor Day party & home...FINALLY! :)



The Incredibles. HA!

















































































Eb was a little ridiculous but hey...that's why I love her! :) It really was a fantastic weekend. I need a few more of those in my life.

couldn't have said it better myself.

So much for that!

I know initially I said that this would be a daily journal....well so much for that! Life is full of disappointments I guess. haha This one being on the lighter side of let downs. However, on the other end....can I say how extremely disappointed I am after the Colts/Bears game last night?! As Colts fans silently left The Luke last night with their heads hung low, the thought crosses everyone's mind....What the heck was that!? Did we show up last night??? Really!?! Wow. I mean I was nervous because my boy, Jeff Saturday, is out and that leaves some big shoes to fill in order to protect Peyton Manning. But seriously guys....that wasn't the problem at all. All I'm going to say is....I'm glad we got that out of the way....now lets go play some football, shall we?

I guess on a positive note, the only player on our team to get injured was Dallas Clark. Fingers crossed that it isn't serious. Some other teams were not as fortunate. Press conference with Bill Belichick today revealed that Tom Brady is out for the season. Thoughts and prayers go out for him and his recovery. BUT....heh heh heh heh heh Ok, that was mean...but COME ON! I'm a Colts fan! Could we get better news than that?!? But seriously, sorry Tom. It's going to be a long road to recovery. At least he still has the hottest celebrity model for a girlfriend, right? haha.

Well the weekend was great. Very very relaxing. Did a lot of sleeping and laying on the couch with Greg. It was heaven. :) Truly. We went out Saturday night with his guy friends. It was guy's night +Amy. haha. Apparently I'm officially one of the guys. That's okay with me. However, it was a genuine wake up call. Some things happened that really upset me and I realized, eh...maybe I'm not cut out to be "one of the guys." I saw with my own eyes how guys lure each other into cheating on their girlfriends. Me, having been cheated on numerous times, was very troubled by what I saw. I saw how easy it would be for one of them to take advantage of Greg and put him in a situation when he was most vulnerable to cheat on me. It would be very very simple. It was. I saw it. And it sucked. I went back immediately after we got back from the bars and cried. I like the girlfriend. She's a nice girl. And I know how she's going to be feeling very very soon. My heart goes out to her. I heard on the radio that they were doing a poll, "are guys genetically engineered to cheat, or are they just jerks?" Um...jerks. It's not in the genes, it's the people you surround yourself with. You are who you're friends with. Period. That's why I'm typically picky with my choice of friends. So...a fun night out with the guys??.....so much for that!

wow, what a weekend

Well the Labor Day party was a good time! As it always is... :) Not as many people as the norm but it was still a good time. Ash and Brad didn't make it (boo!) but Greg and I still managed to have a good time. I was happy that he got to spend a little more quality time with Kyle, Eb's fiance. They're close in age and I originally thought they would really hit it off when they got together, they've just never had the opportunity. Last night was a good opportunity! We crashed a little earlier than the norm. Not really sure why because I wasn't tired and neither was Greg. It was really chilly in the tent and Greg kept fighting me for covers haha. He was thrashing pretty hard in his sleep. You'd think after polishing off 24 between the 2 of us that we wouldn't move too much but apparently that was not the case. I realized as I woke up with a small hangover that I haven't drank more than 2 beers since April. Not a smart idea. Not at all. But we woke up around 6:30 and I talked Greg into loading up and heading out if I drove home. So we did and we crashed at my house until 12:30. It felt so nice to be able to know that we didn't have to walk 1/2 mile to get to a port-a-john haha. The luxury of running water. *sigh* I'll post pictures tomorrow when I have a little more time. I'm glad I have one more day to recover. That's all for now! I'm helping out with my brother-in-laws fantasy football draft. Should be interesting!! ha!

Not so original I suppose

Well the last couple days have been pretty blah. I've had some stomach issues so I haven't been able to eat a whole lot. :( I love eating so this is killing me. I've worked out every day this week. I'm pretty proud of myself. I guess I was upset one of the nights because I could only walk one mile before I felt sick and had to give up. I hate stomach flus. Not fun.

Anyways, IT'S THE WEEKEND!! Well, almost. But it's a holiday weekend!! I'm a little bummed that I couldn't go to the Rascal Flatts concert with my girlfriends, but with this stomach thing it wouldn't have been much fun. I'm looking forward to Eb's Annual Labor Day bash tomorrow night. Greg and I are camping out. No DUI's for me, thanks! I'm hoping that Ash and Brad are going to come. They were thinking about it. Because Greg + Brad = trouble....karaoke trouble!! haha!

Well one of my co-workers sent me a link that I thought was interesting. A little fun fact for today....if you want to check it out for yourself go ahead and see How Many of You there are!
I guess my name is a little original. haha! If my parents would have named me what they were originally intending to (Victoria), I would have had 96 people with the same name. Eh...I'll take the 241 and leave that name for a middle name. Can you imagine calling me Vicki??? Weird.

Always be resourceful....

Well I was looking through my photos and I came to a few that made me laugh. A few months ago my living situation was very very different. I lived with my best friend from high school, Ashley, and her sister, Katelyn. At the time, Ashley's fiance, Brad, lived in the apartment directly underneath us. He lived with one of his best friends from high school, Drew. (I met Greg through Drew) Anyways, we went to dinner one night at El Puerto (our Thursday night ritual) and Ash commented on how we needed toilet paper (we shared a bathroom). Ash is very very VERY picky about her toilet paper HA HA HA! (seriously though, she is) We didn't really want to run to the store so Drew and Brad offered to give us a roll. Well it wasn't the kind that Ash liked so we decided to run to the store to get some. Well we had a grand ole time at Target, totally oblivious to what was going on in our apartment. When we got back there was a toilet paper square on the welcome mat. I thought it was weird and when I went to pick it up Drew and Brad screamed out their window and scared the crap out of us. We laughed it off and walked up the stairs. Again, not thinking anything of it. Well apparently, our declining their toilet paper upset them a bit. So I was the first one to walk into my room. And this is what I walked into.....



They had TP'd our rooms AND our bathroom! I couldn't believe it. I didn't even know what to do!!! So we both laughed really hard and then instantly tried to come up with a plan to get them back. Well we never really got anywhere so we decided we should clean up. But then there was a thought that only poor college kids would think......"why throw it away!? it's perfectly good toilet paper!" So...... We rolled it all up and used it. HA!!!!! So life lessons can be hard and life lessons can be fun. Life lesson #147 Always be resourceful. :)

I'm such a lucky girl

As each day passes I sometimes forget how fortunate I am to have such a loving family, a great job, a supportive boyfriend, good health (for the most part), a car and great friends. Sometimes I feel like I take things for granted and God always puts things into perspective for me. He knows that I need to be kept in check. When I first met Greg I was blown away by the little things that he did for me. He'd always open doors for me, pay for my meals, he was proud of me, he respected me, he wanted to hold my hand in public, he was always appreciative of every meal I made, every compliment I gave and the time that I spent with him (unlike the previous boyfriend). Sometimes I take it for granted that he treats me so well. I have to remember what it was like before Greg, and take in every little act of kindness that he gives me.

Last night was a prime example of that. I was getting ready to go work out at his place and right before I left I felt my nose run. I thought it was strange that I'd all of a sudden get a runny nose so I wiped it and went walking into the bathroom. It was when I glanced at my hand that I wiped with that I saw the blood. Greg knows that I don't deal well with blood. I started to panic and he got me a paper towel and I laid on the couch. He was there the whole time, rubbing my feet, asking me about the progress. He stayed relatively calm which was good because it wasn't stopping and I was really beginning to panic. He got me paper towel number 2 after the first one was filled and he still remained calm. After a call to my mom and about 20 minutes of bleeding it finally stopped. After it stopped I felt extremely light headed and felt like I was going to pass out. Greg was constantly asking if I needed anything and if he could do anything to help me. Of course he did, he's the best boyfriend ever. :) So I said I needed food and he instantly knew I needed sweets (I didn't know that) so he got me some Oreos and milk and waited until I finished. He watched me the whole time. He said I finally got my color back and took my glass and went into the kitchen for awhile. He sat down with his own pile of cookies and milk and I laughed. I was like, "why didn't you eat them with me?!" And he said that he was too worried about me. He wanted to make sure I was okay before he had his own. Before I fell asleep I thanked God for the man he blessed with. Greg has been an answer to all of my prayers. He is everything I need and more. I never thought I could be so incredibly happy in my life. We laugh until we cry, he comforts me when I panic or when I'm sick, and I can only hope that I give as much to him as he gives to me.

Sometimes you need a freak event like a bloody nose to realize how fortunate you really are. And I'm so thankful to have a guy like Greg.

What a Monday

Well last night was a bit boring. It was a little nice because I got to spend more time with Kate than I usually do. A little roommate bonding time. Always a good thing. I DVR'd last weeks Shear Genius episode, so we watched that. I was a little surprised with the top 3 but I'm not a hair stylist either! ha! I'm so pumped though because tomorrow night is Project Runway AND the finale of Shear Genius. I'm a nerd, I know.

I wanted to run last night but my knee was still hurting, so I walked 2 miles instead. And can I just say that parking at my apartment sucks at night! So I try not to move my car after I get back from work. Well after my 2 mile walk I realized that I was out of milk. So I decided to walk to Meijer. Not a terrible idea. :) Not brilliant either though because my hand was FREEZING when I got back to the apartment. haha. I'm not always the sharpest tool in the shed I guess.

So I'm still on a search for my InStyle Wedding magazine. I don't think I'll ever find it. :( I guess if I can't find it, it just wasn't meant to be that I get that dress. I hope I can find it though! It was so beautiful!!!!!! Grr.

What a lovely weekend.....eh?

Well I went home for the weekend without Greg. I guess I didn't realize how much I miss him when he's not around. It was horrible. Which is actually very strange because usually I see him everyday and sometimes we'll go a day without seeing each other and it's not as traumatic as it was this weekend. I found myself with teary eyes and a lonesome heart Saturday night. I just wanted to see him. I guess it's hard because weekends are usually when we get to spend quality time together. Not that I didn't have an amazing time with my family, but I guess when you find your other half, it's hard not being a whole.

*sigh* Enough about that! Talk about depressing! Saturday was fun. I got to watch Kaeden (she's 6 now) play soccer. It was hilarious. I love kids and let me tell you, my new favorite thing is watching 6 year olds play soccer. Last year they just ran around, this year they get it and they're beginning to get more competitive. It was too cute. One of the boys, his dad is the assistant coach, he looks at my sister and says, "Have you seen coach Matt?" (his dad). And I looked at my sister like....what??? Did he just say Coach Matt instead of dad? haha!! It's just cute to see how they're growing up and taking it into consideration that you may not know who is their dad and who isn't. Kids are so great.

I brought Enchanted home for the girls to watch. They both loved it but Kaeden got really sick. Poor thing. She's been sick a lot. Jen thought it was stress from starting 1st grade last week but we're not sure. I'm hoping that it's just anxiety.

The drive was long, as usual but it was a great weekend all around. I bought an antique military chest/trunk for the apartment (It's pretty amazing), gave Humphrey a bath, took him for a long walk, played with my nieces, spent some quality father-daughter bonding with my dad, helped my mom cook lunch after church, and slept. I guess I can't complain.

Welcome to the world of blogging Amy

Wow, I never thought I'd do this BUT it's my new project. It's my form of a journal. I'm horrible at remembering to write in a journal because I don't spend much time physically writing. However, I am in front of a computer all day long. So, keeping my blog/journal updated should be a better solution for me! This way my dad can keep updated on my life when I don't call him for a couple days. haha Love you, Popper! I'm hoping after a year of this that I'll be able to read through my posts and see a lot of personal, physical and spiritual growth. So here goes nothing!